Of course, it's no secret boys hamper girls' growth. We've been at it for years. I assume it's part of the gender system of checks and balances intended to prevent the female from climbing the next rung of the evolutionary ladder alone. I hadn't realized, however, just what a drag we had become until reading that a Professor Mortude of St. Cloud has implied that girls could be proving the very origins of consciousness were it not for the boys behind them sticking their shoes through the seats.

Girls are, on average, two years ahead of boys, or just entering fiscal 1994. Developmentally speaking, girls, with their propensities for the arts, languages, and insightful thinking are Renaissance and better, whereas boys are late Neolithic. Girls tend to use more of the right side of the brain, the side where everything that's right comes from. Boys are limited largely to the reflex actions of the cerebellum, allowing them to make surprisingly realistic belches. Girls have sophisticated motor control, permitting them to master folk dances at the drop of a hat, while boys move only when threatened by a rolled wet towel. During the formative years, boys like to be physical in dramatic ways, a tendency modern schools have taken into account with windows which don't open. Creative powers differ as well: Given macaroni, glue and construction paper, boys inevitably glue the noodles to girls. There's even a memory gap: Girls have complete recall, as boys soon discover.

Girls continue to outpace boys until about the seventh grade, when, ironically, they begin to pay attention to boys. Some girls regress at this point, and have been observed turning in language-arts themes written entirely in eyebrow pencil. Seizing the moment, boys pick up the slack, earn to feel their way around the dance floor, and begin the search for females to hamper throughout their adult years.