I guess I'd rather air out my sweater than listen to someone rattle on about what he doesn't do. (I know what they're saying about secondhand smoke, but it's a secondhand sweater.) You've got to feel for the middle-aged middle manager who, at the apogee of his career arc, has to stand in the parking lot in subzero weather to catch a smoke. Especially since once he goes inside they may be asking for his urine.

They banned smoking in our workplace. Now there's so much smoke in the men's room a lot of guys bring hams to cure. It's not hard to tell the displaced smokers walking around. They're the ones chewing gum like it was cud--the ones who don't have St. Vitus dance, they just really need something to do with their hands. Some of the women are twirling batons, and one guy took up the lariat. And if he lassos the Xerox girl once more, it's Smokers Anonymous for him.

Then there are the ones who obviously need something to suck on. You know, middle management. It doesn't help esprit de corps to see your supervisor toking on an executive binky. Some have gone to filters. No cigarettes, just filters. One guy tried lettuce cigarettes but kept leaving little pellets around the halls. Then there's the cosmetic approach some smokers are taking--you know, yellow Lee Pres-On nails and a little liquid smoke behind each ear. Technology hasn't really provided any answers, although smokeless cigarettes did seem like just the thing after safe sex.

The warnings on the packs are pretty bad--cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease, preganancy risk-- and those are just the lights. But if they ban advertising entirely, it's only gonna put more cowboys out of work. How are we going to know which women have come a long way? And with the reaction against chewing tobacco, how are ballplayers going to get that lump look in the dugout? Silicone implants, sure, but they travel. Watching those guys spit is bad enough without seeing them eject sunflower shells like spent cartidges (and on dugout steps, too: an accident waiting to happen).

I'm afraid the antismoking campaign may be selectively breeding a tougher type of smoker, guys who wouldn't hesitate to strike a match on the bridge of your nose should you suggest it might not be a good idea to light up around the oxygen tent. Women driven to the dens of sin just because they're not smoke-free environments. After all,when smoking is outlawed, only outlaws will smoke--and they're going to look a lot tougher than cops chewing sugarless gum.