Michael Feldman's -- Nine for '99
Things Sure To Happen in 1999
December 26, 1998

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

1. Robin Williams will star in a movie called "the feel good movie of the year."

2. Leonardo DiCaprio will perish in the action-romance "Hindenberg."

3. President Clinton is doing something even as we speak which will result in the expansion of Ken Starr's mandate.

4. Mike Tyson will eat an entire opponent.

5. The Japanese, hot on the heels of cloning nine identical cows, will clone nine identical dairy farmers, their nine identical wives and 36 identical children, none of whom will want to stay on their identical farms.

6. A new morning-after Viagra pill will be developed: "Oy-vay-gra."

7. An asteroid will strike the earth; ABC and NBC will offer abbreviated coverage while CBS will split the screen with the Jets-Bills game.

8. In the afterglow of his death-tape ratings smash, Dr. Kevorkian will be written into the "E.R." rotation.

9. Due to the YK2 glitch, the artist formerly known as Prince will party as if it were 1899.

© 1998 Michael Feldman