Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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December 19, 1998

In a last ditch effort, the 105th Congress finally passes a piece of legislation.

After wagging the dog, the dog finally wags back and leaves a little pile for the Clinton legacy.

Even if President Clinton did wag the dog with the Iraq bombing, it's better than what he was wagging previously.

The resignation of speaker-elect Livingston came as quite a shock to the President, who thought he finally had someone he could talk to. He was the Stanley to his Livingston. May have even used some of the same bearers.

It goes to show you, there's someone for everyone. If these revelations continue, things could get pretty ugly by the time it gets to the Senate with Larry Flynt presiding. I don't know about you, but I don't want to see what's in Strom's closet, however dusty it may be, or what Orrin sees when he closes his eyes. I don't think Trent gets a Lott.

I'm not sure, technically, a speaker-elect can resign, I mean without having performed any function. It's kind of like discovering the bride a long time in the bathroom on her wedding night has made it out through the exhaust duct.

The Republicans had given Congressman Livingston a standing ovation, but that may have just been because he went all the way. This increases the pressure on the President to do the same. Resign, I mean.

The good news is, that seems to be pretty much everyone in the House with a sex life, although Mary Bono might bear looking into. What is she, going out with the surviving Allman brother?

The President, last seen with a Bowie knife in his teeth, seems to be standing firm. He has vowed to resist the American aggressor -- oh, wait a minute, that was Saddam.

This is may be the first battle in military history where unleashing a barrage reduced the attacker to rubble. After four days of bombardment, Baghdad has returned to normal, but Washington is a steaming mess.

It has been a bizarre few days, with the impalement hearings and the bombing of Iraq. I'm not religious, but it seems to me five or six of the seven seals must have been opened -- and you have mail.

Could be the prophesied Apocalypse Newt. If , before leaving, Mr. Gingrich turns into a huge winged serpent, I think I'll draw down my IRA.

Hillary went to the hill to straighten out whether, if her husband resigns, she or Al gets the country.

It will take a major adjustment for the nation to take Al Gore seriously. Be easier if he'd lose Tipper. Sounds like a guy who married his dog. Like Tipper and Buddy play together.

Vice-President Gore has been stoic through all this, but, then again, he's been stoic through everything. Ask Tipper.

We'll have to see how many Buddhist monks get cabinet positions.

President Gore would probably pardon Mr. Clinton if he promises not to go out drinking with Bob Livingston.

At the very least, it's time for the President to think about putting a stop on that check to Paula. And to start thinking about The State of the Union: A Mess.

That's all the news that isn't....

© 1998 Michael Feldman