Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the December 12, 1998 show.

December 12, 1998

Four articles of impeachment -- that's not so many. Martin Luther would've been hard pressed to nail them up on the door without hitting his thumb.

Lying to the American public? Since when is that a crime? What if it's obstruction of injustice? Isn't that good? After all, one man's delicate sidestepping is another man's perjury. And, certainly, abuse in office is not the same as abuse of office. I don't know why I wasn't asked to make these points.

Pretty lame defense panels, though. At least they could have brought in Hugh Grant. He wasn't impeached. A simple apology to Jay Leno might be the way out of this thing.

William Weld: the last living Republican moderate tells all. They should mate him, really, if they can devise a partner.

The only witness we'd like to hear from -- Barney Frank's mother -- didn't say a word.

I thought there should have been more women at the defense table. If Clinton's numbers hold up, there must be quite a few happy constituents out there.

Some defense: "The President is second to none in recognizing what was wrong in his behavior." There should be someone ahead of him? Technically, he and Monica would be in a dead heat.

If Mr. Clinton's actions did not rise to the level of impeachability, I'm sure it was just because he was tired.

The founding fathers did not view sex as impeachable behavior, but more of a question of good help being hard to find. Virtually every President except Coolidge and Carter have been associated with some hint of shenanigans, and even Carter lusted in his heart. Fortunately, he kept the White House at 62 degrees and it never boiled over. Plus, Rosalynn knows how to keep a man at home.

Can't be a good feeling for the defense team, though, when they trot out the verdict while you're still talking.

And then cranking up the Paula Jones video. Boy, $850,000 sure doesn't buy much anymore.

The good news is that, if this thing winds up in the Senate in January as it appears it will, this is one New Year where old acquaintances will not be forgot.

Wishing you a happy 1999 despite, that's all the news that isn't....

© 1998 Michael Feldman