Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the December 5, 1998 show.

December 5, 1998

The House Judiciary Committee has decided not to pursue the fund-raising end of Bill Clinton's activities. Money -- unlike sex -- hits a little close to home.

With the impeachment vote coming up, up to twenty Republicans who have had sex may defect from the rank and file.

Been quite a week what with all the perjurers, adulterers and sinners in the chambers. And those were just the Congressmen. A lot of these people would be better off going to confession. Getting three Hail, Mary's from Henry Hyde is not quite the same thing.

The highlight of course was the appearance of the Northwestern Wildcats football team. What a year for Wisconsin -- the Badgers go to the Rose Bowl and Northwestern gets indicted!

The vote could come as early as this weekend on the various articles of impeachment: the blue dress, the broach, the copy of Vox, a box of Radio Shack tapes, the hand rolled Corona. More like a yard sale, really.

Moderate Republicans are joining ranks with conservative Democrats and possibly other oxymorons like jumbo shrimp and public interest lawyers.

There's growing interest in a censure and a fine for Mr. Clinton, which would allow him to put his money where her mouth was.

Tom Hanks should be good for another ten grand.

In other news, the Kevorkian death tape ties with Frasier for number one in the Neilson ratings -- next: the Frasier Death Tape!

Or maybe a "Mad About You" suicide pact. Or, Dr. Death joins the staff of ER. Could work him right into the rotation.

Andy Rooney finally pulls a .38 out of his drawer and puts us out of his misery.

Mobil and Exxon to merge, putting the John and the D. back together. Now we just need the Rockefeller.

They'll have us over a barrel from the well-head to the grave.

New York has found a solution for its trash problem: it's called New Jersey.

In basketball, the Bucks remain undefeated.

Michael Jordan slam dunks a labor negotiator.

Dennis Rodman's annulment is the only action on the court; held up since he can't remember whether they consummated and, if so, whether he was the bride or the groom.

Viagra has been approved in Iraq to give those Scuds a little extra lift.

Miami passes gay rights over Anita Bryant's dead body.

And "Psycho" is remade with Ann Heche in the shower scene -- this time stabbed by a woman dressed as a woman.

That's All the News That Isn't . . .

© 1998 Michael Feldman