Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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November 21, 1998
From Charlottesville, Virginia

A lot has been made of the DNA evidence that Thomas Jefferson fathered a child with Sally Hemmings, but, I say, put the technology to good use: gene test Hank Williams Jr.

Very nice town you have here, but have you ever thought of using red brick? Maybe red brick with, I don't know, white pillars? I know, you did it because Mr. Jefferson did -- but do you do everything Mr. Jefferson did?

We went to Monticello and I was shocked to find that it's not nickel-plated. Red brick. White pillars.

Actually, Mr. Jefferson built Monticello three times: the first was straw, the second sticks. Third, red brick. Aaron Burr blew down the first two.

Monticello -- forty years of remodeling -- no wonder he couldn't let anybody go.

On the tour now they refer to "slaves" and not "servants." I guess people were wondering why they stayed on year after year. Unless they were unpaid interns.

For all the controversy, you've got to admit Thomas Jefferson treated his slaves like one of the family.

Parallels have been made to William Jefferson Clinton's problems, but there was no sexual harassment in Jefferson's day; you would have had to prove that Sally Hemmings was denied promotion as a result.

And he did give her flowers on Slaves Day.

Well, "When in the Intercourse of human events. . ."

If nothing else, this at long last explains the sitcom, "The Jeffersons."

Now I'm wondering about all the Black Americans name Roosevelt. Probably a story there, too.

They're saying that Washington may have fathered a son with a slave as well. And you thought "father of his country" was honorary.

God only knows what Franklin was up to; they're still tabulating the lab results on that one.

According to the DNA evidence there's only a 99% chance he did it. William Jefferson Clinton could wriggle out of that. It could have been his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie Jefferson. Maybe Lewis and Clark -- they kept turning up.

No Roger Clinton Jefferson to blame it on.

Given that his slave was his wife's half-sister, Mr. Jefferson was not an innovator in this field.

None of this changes the great accomplishments of Thomas Jefferson -- the Declaration of Independence, the Virginia Statute of Religious Freedom, and the University of Virginia, where the tradition of streaking on the Lawn does not necessarily reflect Mr. Jefferson's proclivities. Does explain why he kept a telescope in the window, though.

Come out here and you realize that American history is Virginia History -- Virginia is the incubator of American history. And if the babies have been switched, blame the University Medical Center. Heck, babies do tend to look alike.

The University of Virginia Medical Center is trying to turn a negative into a positive by attracting couples who'd like to have their children swapped.

Generating hope for the many of us who can't believe a child is ours. (No, I don't mean Mr. Jefferson.)

In other news, while voter turnout in the recent elections in Virginia was low, the number of dead people and felons voting was disproportionately high. Thanks to the "motor voter" law, dead people are not only voting, they're driving.

As expected, the felons generally went Democratic, and the dead Republican.

A few miles away in Washington, it now looks like instead of impeachment or censure, they're going to give Bill Clinton a roast.

Ken Starr, an excellent example of why young Republicans should not be allowed to live.

Starr said this was not about sex, but you get the feeling that, for him, sex isn't about sex, either.

That's All the News That Isn't . . .

© 1998 Michael Feldman