Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the November 14, 1998 show.

November 14, 1998

Bill Clinton admitting or denying 81 impeachment questions: "Depends what you mean by number 1 . . .," "Depends what you mean by number 2 . . .," "There's number three and there's number three.."

Or, as Moses said, depends what you mean by "commandments."

Mr. Clinton has reached a settlement with Paula Jones -- he gives her $800,000 and she says maybe he was just waving the remote from the Spectra-vision.

Thing is, at $200,000 per, it looks like four more years for Bill Clinton.

How does he do it? He gets caught with his pants down and they send the Gingrich boy home.

The power in the Republican party now shifts from a southern white male zealot with a penchant for mood swings and dramatic outbursts to a southern white male zealot with a penchant for mood swings and dramatic outbursts. Net gain: ten inches in height.

Of course, in the biggest gain in the elections, the Bush's are now just 48 sons away from governing the country.

In other news, a new clinical condition is found in women whose husbands are taking Viagra: the Vigraine.

Geneticists successfully cross human cells with cow cells, and get people who all face the same direction.

A critic of medical marijuana says you'd have to smoke a joint every two hours for glaucoma relief -- whatever you say, doc.

And box office returns suggest that, for all the artistic merit of "Beloved," Oprah should not have turned down the lead in "Waterboy."

That's All the News That Isn't . . .

© 1998 Michael Feldman