Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the September 19, 1998 show.

September 19, 1998

You know this thing has really seeped into the national psyche -- at the pool the other day some kids were playing Marco Polo by shouting "Monica!" "Lewinsky!"

It's important to reassure our children that this kind of thing does not go on in this house. Never has, never will.

It does say something about the state of the union to note that there were no real surprises in the Starr report. The Altoids thing, maybe.

I read the first few pounds of the report -- thought it suffered from lack of illustrations. Missing the foil-embossed cover of most bodice rippers.

Last time we send Ken Starr to look into a land deal.

Still it's the President's own fault, breaking the cardinal rule: never date a girl with a photographic memory.

Or one who dry cleans only when she has a big load.

The press, though, is so slanted: the headlines could have read "Clinton Beats Whitewater Rap," but no. Focus on one peccadillo. Peccadilloes?

According to his press secretary, Mr. Clinton "likes his chances." One in 7.87 trillion seems like a long shot to most of us.

The public continues to give him high job ratings, although they didn't say which job.

29% of the American people say the President shares their moral values -- did they leave their number?

The President admitted he sinned, so it should really be between him and his spiritual adviser, Jimmy Swaggart.

If only on his speech on August 17th he had said "The buck stops here," or something like that. Or maybe "when in the intercourse of human events . ." "Four score and twenty women ago...."?

Everyone would like to see closure on this, but I don't know how he's going to sleep with her now. But you never know with the Comeback Kid.

You can't fault Kenneth Starr his missionary zeal -- that's always been his position.

Henry Hyde? I'm not saying he's a hypocrite, but he missed a big opportunity to put his arm around Bill's shoulder and say, "Kid, I was your age once....."

Somehow it is a lot more shocking to think of Republicans having sex.

The book couldn't have been that great, going straight to video. Well, people don't read anymore.

Finally "Must See TV." The President's State of the Union: A Dress.

Really, who hasn't wondered whether they've just had sex or not?

The president looked like he was taking his orals. Defending his thesis.

In other news, fewer high school students are having sex. Still, this being America, anyone of those kids could grow up to be President. An increasing number of students did quibble over what "having sex" actually means.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .