Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the August 8, 1998 show.

August 8, 1998

This startling development just in -- the DNA on Monica Lewinsky's dress turns out to be from Placido Domingo. Apparently, her mother had borrowed the dress.

Thy haven't checked the whole thing yet, but the word is all three tenors may be present. Constitutional scholars are debating whether or not you can impeach a tenor. There's also some evidence there might be a Michael Flatley presence, indicating that she may have been working the PBS specials.

Monica wore blue to court. Does seem to be her color, although it is a dirt catcher. She left the federal courthouse looking "shaken but relieved," which is, reportedly, how she left the President.

She's anxious to leave this behind her, and work on another Presidential campaign.

Sources familiar with her testimony said she said Mr. Clinton never told her to lie, simply to have her finger prints burnt off with acid, get a new appearance through plastic surgery, and spend a little time on the Argentinean Pampas with gaucho Vernando Jordan.

Responding to a Grand Jury question Ms. Lewinsky said she had no idea Mr. Clinton was married, or that he was the head of a major western power. She was aware that he knew somebody at Revlon.

She said the President did offer her free use of a cabin in the Ozarks of Arkansas, putting to rest once and for all the charge that this investigation has no connection with Whitewater.

Turns out the President is his own smoking gun.

I guess she doesn't inhale either.

A picture of the two of them with a reportedly salacious inscription was introduced as evidence, something about building a bridge to the 21st Century.

It is not known how the jurors reacted to her testimony, but -- as a D.C. grand jury -- this is the kind of stuff they usually laugh off on Def Comedy Jam.

Not often mentioned is the shock the Jewish community feels that a Jewish girl could even be capable of something like this.

George Stephanopolos seems to be taking it worse than anybody; and if there's a reason for that, nine out of ten Americans would like not to know.

Senator Orrin Hatch has called for Mr. Clinton to "pour his heart out" in his testimony, but that's an even bigger laundry problem. Orrin seems to be a little uncomfortable bringing up bodily fluids on the floor of the Senate.

The administration says events have had no effect on the day-to-day business of the President which, hopefully, does not mean that interns are still jumping the turnstiles at Betty Currie's desk.

It is not known, however, how long Mr. Clinton can have the Marine marching band following him around playing the "El Capitan March" to drown out reporters' questions.

The real concern is that, lacking his usual safety valve, the President might relieve the mounting pressure by dropping a load on Baghdad.

The President will testify on video on August 17, although is not known how they will finesse the specimen cup.

Mr. Clinton is expected to say that he intends to do the right thing: leave Hillary, and ask Dr. Lewinsky for his daughter's hand in marriage. He's not saying that it will be easy . . .

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .