Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the August 1, 1998 show.

August 1, 1998

What they didn't tell you is that Monica has closet full of stained clothes. It took this long just to pick out the right outfit.

Next time, throw the clothes in the fire and Agent Cockell will get you a blanket for the ride home.

It really was Vernon Jordan's fault: he was supposed to handle the dry cleaning.

There may be some surprises when the dress is finally produced, but hopefully one of them won't be that it fits the President. I don't know that he can bounce back from a Marv Albert incident.

The FBI is currently treating one half of the dress with Shout! and the other half with a well-known leading brand -- depending whether there are pleats to press or buttons to sew on, it could be ready by Thursday. Probably come back with one of those "we did what we could" tags.

A spokesman for the President condemned the reports of stains as just more leaks from the prosecutor's office.

Republicans, many of whom have their own stubborn personal laundry problems -- have been restrained on the issue. Orrin Hatch has called for the President to "pour his heart out," but that's an even tougher laundry problem. Others have suggested the President shout it out.

Vice President Gore rose to the President's defense saying the stains could have been caused by global warming.

Mr. Clinton is expected to testify that it was, in fact, the result of a Big Mac they were sharing, although, so far, no sesame seeds have been produced.

In related news, it's still not known whether the President will appear live on camera before the grand jury or present a "best of" tape from his previous appearances.

Linda Tripp, in an emotional statement, says that she has laundry problems no one gives a damn about.

In other news, in LA wreckers demolished OJ's Brentwood estate with Kato still in the guest house.

President Clinton returned from North Carolina where, surprisingly, he did not join Eric Rudolph on the lam.

The continuing mega-mergers of cable and phone companies could lead us back to one dominant communications conglomerate: Ma Whistle and Bell.

A thousand new Starbucks in the throes of birth have been discovered in the center of the Milky Way.

And the Disney Company has launched its new cruise ship, the Mousetanic: with those ears, it's thought to be unsinkable.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .