Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the July 18, 1998 show.

July 18, 1998

Three guys in Texas plotted to attack President Clinton with an anthrax-dipped cactus needle fired from a lighter -- not the old anthrax-dipped-cactus-needle-fired-from-a-lighter ploy! But they got one of these kid-proof lighters and couldn't get it to work.

Might want to get two guys and catch him in a cactus needle crossfire. Or maybe the brassiere that fires perfect thirty-eights might be the way to go with this target.

In other news, secret service agents will be compelled to testify whether or not they were, in fact, the only protection the President used in his meetings with Monica Lewinsky.

Newt Gingrich is looking at a trillion dollars in tax cuts -- sounds like a lot of money, but it only goes to seven people.

The FAA approves adding 100 flights to Chicago's O'Hare Field, already the nation's busiest. Dogfights for arrival gates are predicted. They're adding extra people just to keep up with the strip searches, and have had to actively recruit Hare Krishnas.

The State of Michigan claims Jack Kevorkian -- by helping 42 people die -- is practicing medicine without a license. They may have him this time.

GM has recalled a million cars just to have some stock on hand.

Al Gore says it's not the heat, it's the global warming -- oh yeah, how do you explain the humidity, Mr. Smart Guy?

With the rise of George W. Bush, it looks more and more like a Gore-Tex race.

Computer experts easily crack the government's code for scrambling sensitive data. There's a very simple way to scramble sensitive data: tell your wife. Then simply get a wife on the other side to unscramble it.

First a live birth on the Internet, now Mike and Diane, quite possibly the world's last pair of 18-year-old virgins, plan to change their status "live" on August 4th.

The next big Internet event is already in the works, though -- on September 15th, you'll be able to watch a middle-aged man get up to go the bathroom four or five times in one night "live" after not having consumed any liquids since 6:00!

And for the first time, DNA has been extracted from ancient dung -- that's right, it's time for the sequel: Jurassic Poop.

That's all the news that isn't?