Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the May 16, 1998 show.

May 16, 1998 -- New York City

Hi, and welcome to the Bratwurst of the Vanities.

New York -- what a town! Wednesday you couldn't hail a cab, Thursday you couldn't hail a Latin King. For love or money. I think I was using the wrong hand signal: I guess this means "I love you" in sign language.

Gypsy cabs, what a great solution to the transportation situation. You still get the driver from Eritria, but now you get to cling to the side of a Ford econo-van with the fish and poultry sign (barely) painted over recently pressed into service from Kenya.

If you're picked up by a van with G-O-D printed on the side you know your time has come.

The mayor seems to have some kind of vendetta against cab drivers. Apparently when he was a child a cab ran over his feet.

They could do in New York what they do in Chicago: let Immigration and Naturalization deal with cab drivers who block intersections by reviewing their status on the street. And, hopefully, the tow will take you uptown--if you're trying to get uptown.

I must admit when I got into the cab at LaGuardia and the driver had the Islamic Jihad 3-D relief next to the meter I was a little alarmed.

Fortunately they played the Jackie Mason tape when I left the cab, so it evened out in the end.

Actually, when I ride a cab in New York I pretend I'm in "Speed" -- if he goes below 50 miles per hour we explode. Makes for, if not a more pleasant, then a more understandable experience. Then Keanu Reeves gets on and tells you to get a receipt and take your possessions.

It's not easy being a cabbie. Ever try to drive and understand English at the same time? I have--all our vacations are like that. At least no cab driver ever called me "insensitive." Or, if he did it was in Serbo-Croatian.

I think Mayor Giuliani is going a little over the top on all of this. In New York now you can't jaywalk, you can't litter, and you have to make eye contact with people on the street. If you're tardy for work you need a note from the mayor's office. I think that unknown higher office the mayor is campaigning for is Principal of the United States of America.

You know when he starts walking into the Ladies Room looking for smokers, he's gone too far. Say goodnight, Gracie Mansion.

Now you even have to register your domestic partners. At least if they're stolen or stray you can get them back, once they're neutered.

The mayor's office even got involved in the Godzilla production. They postponed the opening of the movie because not only does Godzilla demolish the World Trade towers, Grand Central and St. Patrick's Cathedral, he steps right over a pedestrian barrier. That's $50, buddy.

Actually, the mayor has a part in the movie: he plays St. George.

With George Steinbrenner as Mothra.

Actually Steinbrenner tried to get the giant lizard to crush Yankee Stadium so he'd really have an excuse to move.

Unfortunately, Godzilla was afraid to go to the South Bronx.

They did flatten Newark in the movie, but property values were unaffected.

Godzilla is finally placated when he's named the Yankee's 17th general manager.

The only real regret is that Godzilla came too late to crush the Indiana Pacers.

You know things are going bad when you see Spike Lee giving Patrick Ewing the Heimlich maneuver. "He Got Back," a new Spike Lee Joint.

To tell you the truth I feel worse for Spike and Woody. You know. It's harder on the little guys than the big guys.

And, speaking of sports, too bad about the artificial turf disintegrating at Giants Stadium. Must have been something Jimmy Hoffa ate.

The biggest surprise: Times Square is all cleaned up. I was wandering around at 2:00 a.m. for absolutely no reason. I did get propositioned by Jessica Rabbit, but it's not the same thing.

What a change! Twenty years ago you would have never seen a Virgin Megastore in Times Square.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .