Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the April 25, 1998 show.

April 25, 1998

Did you see they had a poetry slam at the White House? Some of the greatest poets in America read their works, but I like President Clinton's best:

There once was a lass from Hot Springs
With big hair and baubles and rings.
When the State Troopers came,
She said she was game,
She's still appealing but
It's all legal things.

Rep. Dan Burton stands by his (poetic) characterization of Mr. Clinton as "a scumbag." That's President Scumbag to you, pal. The President did not respond in kind because you're damned if you douche and damned if you don't.

There will be no federal money for needles, but President Clinton is pushing suppositories.

England has agreed to accept Russian nuclear waste, saying they have just the right spot for it: Scotland.

Delaware will begin stamping "sex offender" on driver's licenses. No word yet on whether or not there will be a written test.

John Glenn has pulled the much- coveted latrine duty onboard the upcoming Discovery flight. He should've quit before he was in the head.

He will, however, be participating in some important experiments to discover the effects of zero-gravity on prostates, and whether Miracle-Ear works in the vacuum of space.

Glenn is in really good shape, though: they put him on the centrifuge and nothing flew off.

Ford has announced an even bigger sport utility, the Super Duty, formerly known as the Bradley Fighting Vehicle. The beauty of it is, with the optional turrets and gun mounts, ordinary rules of the road no longer apply.

It's a pricey vehicle, but you will be able to sit with your lap of luxury four feet off the ground.

Dolly the cloned sheep has given birth to a lamb through sexual reproduction. Your try to raise them right....

A survey reveals that only six percent of American doctors have helped a patient die. I guess that means on purpose.

And the Green Bay Packers' Reggie White will not be quitting football after all, saying he would miss the camaraderie of men too much: the pats on the behind, going belly to belly with a big strapping fellow, the unnecessary but oh-so-good roughness, and grabbing a whole lotta man from behind and bringing him down....

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .