Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the April 4, 1998 show.

April 4, 1998

Paula Jones has taken her rightful place in history, next to Davey Jones. I mean the one with the locker, not the Monkee.

You've got to wonder why this case wasn't thrown out four years and one President ago.

In fairness, they should give Mr. Clinton another four years now that he can think straight.

The President still has time to cram in a legacy, if he hurries. Other than being the first President to have his genitalia scrutinized.

Of course another four years, that's another four classes of interns.

The judge ruled that the President was only boorish and offensive. Which, thank God, is still legal in America or Howard Stern wouldn't be getting a TV show.

Mrs. Jones claimed in her suit that her career did not advance. But, hey, Vernon can't get everyone a job at Revlon. At least not without a major makeover.

The judge said that not only was Jones' career not adversely effected, but she is driving a Mercedes with several hundred thousand in the bank, despite being married to an unemployed actor.

Paula Jones also made a case for emotional distress saying she'd developed a "sexual aversion," as a result of it. But the court was unable to separate that from the normal effects of being married.

The judge ruled that simply not getting flowers on Secretaries' Day in 1992 was not sufficient cause. Of course Mr. Clinton got Flowers on Secretaries' Day, but that's a different story. And the judge ruled it was unrelated.

Pretty much vindicates the notion that a state job is impervious to anything short of a direct nuclear attack. In which case, if you're working for the state, you can still cash out your vacation days if you haven't taken them.

But, this whole thing has been like one of those bad science fiction movies. "The End...or is it?" After all, when she heard the news Paula was shocked, and you know what happens when Paula is shocked.

This doesn't automatically pry Kenneth Starr's jaws from Mr. Clinton's shins, but it does put the spring back in his step.

And the moral in all this? "If you don't want my impeachment, honey, please don't shake my tree."

Now that he's been cleared of this particular wrongdoing, the President's popularity is expected to plummet.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .