Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the March 14, 1998 show.

March 14, 1998

Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Kathleen Willey, the namesake of Willey Gate, made her Grand Jury appearance in Washington. She came out of the courtroom with her hair askew and her lipstick smeared.

The President was out of town again this weekend at the Presidential retreat. He's spending so much time at Camp David he's earned his archery badge.

Meanwhile, Kenneth Starr continues with oral testimony. In fact so much of it, as grand juror asked to be excused to gargle.

And now, eighteen hours of Linda Tripp tapes. Can you imagine? Eighteen hours of Monica Lewinsky complaining. No jury in the nation would convict after that.

Paula Jones' lawyers, in laying out her case, claimed the President propositioned a former Miss America. Mr. Clinton said he merely inquired about the talent portion of her program. She was a baton twirler, wasn't she?

The Jones lawyers produced a list of women so long it looked like Harpo's credits. That would account for the horn that could be heard coming intermittently from the Oval Office.

The question is, can Mr. Clinton play the bedsprings like a harp?

I'd like to apologize for that remark, particularly if it will get me some media attention. As you know, the writer who first wrote about Paula Jones said he was sorry, and the entire nation was startled by the spectacle of a conservative apologizing. Liberals, of course, do it all their lives.

Actually, David Brock missed the big story last week, how Clinton flew Air Force One below radar to get into Jim McDougal's jail cell to silence him once and for all. Look for that story in the American Spectator.

In the Senate, Majority Leader Trent Lott weighed in on the controversy. First he said Starr ought to show his cards or fold. And then he said Clinton should play his hand. If nothing else this proves what an annoying guy he would be to play cards with.

In other news: Someone walked into Madeline Albright's office and stole documents right off her desk. Her hat, which was sitting right there, was left untouched.

There was a neutering in the First Family. Surprisingly, it was Buddy.

A mile-wide asteroid may slam into the earth in the year 2028. That's fine, just wheel me into the lunch room at 11:30.

The President moved up the trip to China to coincide with the Paula Jones trial; the Chinese carryout in Little Rock is not what it could be.

And, "Ellen" may be canceled by the network. She keeps coming out further --apparently we're down to stuffing and springs.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .