Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the March 7, 1998 show.

March 7, 1998

Well, naturally the Pope is opposed to cloning. They can't both be infallible.

That's the problem we have at home: two pontiffs in the same house. And two little pontettes. Nobody's a bishop.

The Pope called for more research into the rhythm method. Sure, if he'll pick up the tab. He can raise them Catholic--it's a win-win situation.

It's always a mistake for white people to use the rhythm method. The trick is that it only works on the exact equator at midnight on New Year's Eve if you stand an egg on its narrow end. If you stand the egg on its front end, the good news is you've got another deduction.

Technically what he's talking about his periodic abstinence, which, I could live with. Periodic abstinence would be a step up. Then there's what dad called Jewish birth control: "Afterwards, Nothing."

And in other news,

A ruling in New Jersey says the Boy Scouts cannot ban gays. "Now we can put on a variety show!" A whole new badge!

Iran says it has no plans to execute Salman Rushdie, but they're kicking Jerry Springer around.

Speaking of whom, there is a movement in the Senate to end Federal money to close-caption the Jerry Springer show. It can't be that costly to put "You little *&$&#)%*@&!!!..." and leave it on the screen.

The hearing-impaired deserve to know if transsexuals can be happy in a three-some, too.

Bill Gates appears in front of a Senate panel after looking up the Internet history of each of the Senators. That's Orrin "Asian-Love-Babes" Hatch.

Authorities arrested 14 people in the first Internet gambling raid. Instead of "Guys and Dolls" it's now "Guys and Downloads."

You can now access a virtual Las Vegas on the Internet, and even download Wayne on your Newton.

And the latest box office receipts indicate that "Titanic" has made all the money that Bill Gates hasn't. There is, simply speaking, no more money.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .