Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the February 28, 1998 show.

February 28, 1998

Between the weather and Monica the news is strictly El Nino and La Nina.

Oprah Winfrey says, "I refuse to be muzzled," and dog obedience schools plunge 600 points. She also said, "I will continue to use my voice," which is a good approach for a talk-show host.

"The First Amendment Rocks!" as Oprah said. But the Second Amendment shoots. The Fifth is nice: it shuts up.

The First Amendment will now be known as the "Freedom of Burger Clause" in the Bill of Rights.

Now the Texas Attorney General will have to decide whether he's going to try Jerry Springer under the Texas Disparagement of Overweight Transsexuals Going Out With Your Boyfriend Act.

We've heard from the Texas Cattlemen, where are the Texas Sheepmen? Being led like lambs to the slaughter, I betcha.

And the Texas Emu Men. Where are they? Who doesn't put Emus down?

And what about the Iowa Pigmen? All those years they've had to put up with the nursery rhymes, the little piggies game, Porky, Miss Piggy, jokes about "the other white meat," and disparaging references to the Pork Queen. When will it end? I say subpoena Mr. Rogers. Now.

In the Gulf, despite the settlement, Montel, determined to be the next Scud Stud, refuses to leave Kuwait. Incoming!

The cost of putting U.S. Forces on alert in the Gulf, about $600 million, will be covered by Kenneth Starr's petty cash. That's just chump change to him. Pin money.

They finally traced the leaks from Starr's office. They're coming from the water torture room. One of those traditional techniques he keeps talking about. Next: a dunking stool in the Potomac.

Starr is currently trying to discover why Monica Lewinsky was transferred to the Pentagon despite the fact that all their ties are government-issue.

In a related development, hackers have been accessing Pentagon computers apparently looking for Monica's home number.

It was revealed from sources high within themselves that a settlement was rejected in the Paula Jones case because the President wasn't as explicit in his apology.

The Clintons are on a ski holiday in Utah where there's a danger of an avalanche of lies down a mountain of subpoenas.

Hillary and Chelsea will hit the slopes, but Mr. Clinton is just going to stay in his room and order in like he usually does.

That's all the news that isn't. . .