Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

February 14, 1998

Congressional Republicans are seeking to tap a $4.4 million dollar fund for impeachment expenses: beer money for the fishing expedition.

Kenneth Starr is apparently broadening his inquiry to determine whether or not President Clinton perjured himself taking his oath of office.

Starr says he wants to look Monica Lewinsky in the eye before he gives her anything, which was the President's mistake.

Marcia Lewinsky, Monica's mother, testified before the grand jury. It's not known whether she answered the big question: how much is she getting from the oncologist?

She may have buckled under the pressure of having to reveal which of the three tenors she may have had an affair with.

Mrs. Lewinsky got Monica the internship, although it's not clear she read the job description.

There is nothing to prevent a mother from testifying against her child, or the whole concept of motherhood would be threatened.

The President is now guarded by the Can't Keep a Secret Service. If Secret Service agents are forced to testify it could jeopardize their book contracts.

The solution to the Iraq crisis may be to let Kenneth Starr look into certain irregularities in Sadaam Hussein's land purchases.

The alternative may be to drop Monica behind Iraqi lines.

In other news--Very disappointing to learn that Olympic snowboarders may be using marijuana. This could jeopardize the introduction of hacky-sack as an Olympic sport.

Defense Secretary Cohen met with the Saudi Defense Minister--all they could agree on was pork.

That's all the news that isn't. . .