Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Wasn't

February 7, 1998

According to the President's personal secretary, Monica Lewinsky was in the Oval Office 37 times. Going over typos? A lot of the gals in the typing pool thought she was in over her head.

In a carefully-worded statement, Mr.Clinton said she was solely there for purposes of dictation.

It could be that the President is single-handedly responsible for raising the bar on what seems to the rest of us highly inflated averages of sexual frequency. Fortunately for the Administration, other forms of inflation are in check.

Sources familiar with the job market suggest that Ms. Lewinsky was just using Mr. Clinton to get a job at Revlon.

She flew home to see her dad, and, like kids everywhere, brought her dirty laundry with her. The good news was that she wasn't moving back in.

Just when property values in Brentwood had recovered.

President Clinton's secretary was no Rose Marie Woods: no 37 visit gap in the appointment book. The least she could have done was stop at a Goodwill box.

Actually, hat pins, dresses and brooches with the Presidential seal are regularly handed out by the president as souvenirs. For state occasions, there are some very nice teddies.

I don't mean to assign blame in this thing, but he gave her a hat pin; she could have used it.

Boxes of chocolate wouldn't have left a trail, but, always empathetic, the President could feel her (weight) gain.

The Administration believes that Starr has been leaking to the magazine of the same name.

We may yet see an independent counsel investigate the independent counsel and Escher draw the whole thing.

Conspiracy theories are abounding: some believe the Republicans shut down the government knowing full well it would drive interns into the arms of the President.

Monica may have been an agent of the right wing conspiracy--Mata Lewinsky. They didn't wire her because the President would have found it.

The one question no one seems to be asking is where is Deep Throat in all of this?

And, in other news, the trial of Oprah by the Texas Hamburger Anti-Defamation League continues. If they had a law protecting people from degradation they could've sued Jerry Springer. There's a show where Mad Cow Disease would be the least of it.