Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Wasn't

January 24, 1998

One cure for future Presidential crises might be to raise the age for the job from thirty-five to sixty-five. Or, looking at John Glenn, maybe eighty-five.

See? It may be an unpaid internship, but it's a start.

So I guess the first clue they missed was when she started wearing his golf cardigan to work.

Now, at least we know what the second JFK administration would have been like.

But, I guess I'd like to see the dress he bought her before I make a snap judgement. Al Gore could just be a strapless chemise away from the Presidency.

Instead of the State of the Union address it's The State of the Union: A Dress!

The feeding frenzy among reporters has just been amazing. This thing really pulled the rug out from over Sam Donaldson.

Suddenly Monica Lewinsky is bigger than the Pope, although a bit less infallible.

The Pope in Cuba was supposed to be the big story; you know, "The Thrilla in Vanilla," "Manna in Havana" or, if you prefer, "Pontiff Meets Gonif." Now it's "Unpaid Interns: Hidden Costs?"

She must have known what she was getting into. Women running out of the Oval Office, hair askew, clothes a mess--boy, they better train that Buddy.

I'm not saying she instigated it, but she knew he was vulnerable. That's been widely documented.

It's an addiction, and should be treated as such. If we had national health it would be covered.

The President has a Love Jones.

You can't try to "put it in a little box." So much for carefully-worded statements.

This time, instead of "60 Minutes," he and Hillary should go on Jerry Springer.

If he'd just shown a little more interest in Linda Tripp this whole thing wouldn't have happened. After all, she has big hair--what's wrong with her?

It stands to reason that Clinton's tapes would be different from Nixon's. All Dick ever did in the Oval Office was fall to his knees with Henry Kissinger. And Henry was no Firefly Girl.

I'm kind of looking forward to the State of the Union: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Big He of the United States."

"The President's speech was interrupted 17 times by tittering." Hopefully, they won't play "Hail to the Creep."

Now instead of a tell-all book look for an anthology.

Poor Yassar Arafat, that's the guy you have to feel sorry for, sitting in the middle of all this. I bet he'll be happy to get back to Gaza where you just have to dodge bullets and rocks.

In other news, Ted Kaczynski pleads guilty and gets life in prison, where he'll get a little job in the workshop where they make those mail-order items.

That's all the news that isn't.