Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the January 6, 2001 show.

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January 6, 2001

Forget interest rates -- Greenspan ought to drop Barbara Walters.

Let's see -- a conservative woman, a conservative Hispanic, a conservative African-American, a slew of conservative white males-in short, diversity.

Starring Colin "cut 'em off and kill 'em" Powell as Secretary of State. We' ll be featuring "cut 'em off and kill 'em" diplomacy. "Lay one down the chimney and take them out" foreign policy.

Hasn't quite got the action figure anymore. More Colin and less Powell.

At the EPA, Christy Whitman will spread and pat down polluters.

When Ashcroft gets to be Attorney General, believe me, dead men will be prosecuted. The dead will curry no favor from this Justice Department.

Ashcroft, the baritone of the Senate Singers, will be a soprano by the time his hearings are over.

Then there's the Interior Secretary who refers to the National Forests and Parks as "timber" and "mineral rights."

The good news is that Linda Chavez will no longer be writing her right- wing column; the bad news: she will be dismantling the labor movement. But we'd all be a lot better off if people just worked for us occasionally and we gave them spending money.

For Transportation, a guy from Alaska, which has one road.

And of course, Tommy "Can You Hear Me?" Thompson, from Wiscompson. Human Services: first time a non-human will head it. He said quitting as governor of Wisconsin were "the hardest 15 words I've ever spoken;" given his speaking abilities, that's saying something.

He wanted Transportation because he has the choo-choo hat. Likes trains.

Tommy is responsible for Wisconsin Works, which took people off welfare and made them working poor. And he can do this for America. Giving up Governor for Life is not easy, although he came to a better end than most of the Caesars.

For his boss, George II, it's still the economy, stupid, Jr.

The Bush people have been talking down the economy so much if people do get a tax cut they'll just sew it into the linings of their coats. Or put it into diamonds, which can be swallowed (depending on the length of the trip).

Bill Clinton is still in legacy frenzy between preserving the national forests and trying for peace in the Middle East. In fact, he just declared the Middle East a national forest. Now the new Interior Secretary can go in with chain saws and 'dozers.

The Senate will be fifty-fifty the same way marriage is fifty-fifty. Not.

Democrats will actually be in control until January 20th and will try to pass a pro-gay health-pay down the debt-cut the military plan by the 19th. No word yet on how the new House would react.

The Campaign Reform Bill will be re-introduced. How about one where the winner gets the office?

Some hints that George II may consider a blanket pardon for Bill Clinton. Should let a guy know in advance who he can work a few more things into his legacy.

The Mayor of Milwaukee takes out a full-page ad describing his adultery. Sure knows how to make a gal feel good.

And a study finds teenage boys are confused as to what abstinence means, although their parents are not.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2001 Michael Feldman