Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the November 25, 2000 show.

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November 25, 2000

A sign of the times—Al Gore was seen on Washington's Beltway with a sign: Will Rule for Food.

Time to join the pantheon—McGovern, Mondale, Dukakis, Humphrey. Good men, dedicated men, men who never worked again.

Although it has come and gone, the Gore people have refused to acknowledge the 5PM Sunday deadline because, as Einstein proved, time is relative. If, in fact, Katherine Harris were propelled to the speed of light she would loop back on herself to the time she was leading the chicken dance in a Sarasota nightspot.

Bush is arguing before the Supreme Court that he was just kidding about the federal government not having the right to tell the states what to do—and could we please get on with the coronation? Laura's already gone through three corsages and several nosegays waiting for the ball.

The Republicans say they are prepared to accept the outcome of the process as long as it shares 97% of its genetic material with George Bush, Sr. This would include, of course, many, if not all, of the great apes.

In the event of push coming to shove, the Bush people have rounded up soccer dads, little League parents and Elian Gonzalez's extended family and are bussing them from Miami to the Supreme Court just in case the rule of law needs a little knuckle sandwich to get moving.

George II has announced that, once in office, the Thanksgiving turkey will die. After a careful review of its case.

For Al Gore, about time to hitch up that mule and plow the back forty in Georgetown. Lieberman, wisely, kept his day job.

Tipper knew it was over when she heard the dirty-mouthed lady sing.

Goes to show you, dimples will only get you so far—but a pregnant chad can last a lifetime.

The Senate will be divided fifty-fifty, with Ann Heche being the swing vote.

Two women senators were elected in Washington; finally we'll get to see if girl states are better than boy states.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman