Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

Check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.

Listen in to the monologue from the November 18, 2000 show.

Problem listening to Real Audio? Get Help!

November 18, 2000

(To the tune of Dem Bones) "County court connected to the circuit court, circuit court connected to the district court, district court connected to the supreme court, now hear the world of the Lord . . ."

Actually, this whole thing is going to end up in family court, with Jeb the defendant, Barbara the plaintiff. The charge: failure to wrap up the state for your brother.

Could go all the way to Judge Judy, where we'll see her rip into Jeb for his incompetence and rebuke George W. for all the smirks and the furtive darting glances. And these guys had better have saved their receipts.

The Gore camp has agreed to abide by Judge Judy's decision; Al just wants $800 for Barbara Bush keying his Lincoln Town Car.

Jeb is still in hiding; he was last seen in a fake beard and watch cap standing on a fan boat in the Everglades.

Meanwhile, Poppy has gone off to Spain on a golf trip, saying, "may the best man win." The Bush version of Tough Love.

They're letting James Baker run things, just like the old days. Operation Just Dessert Storm. Drawing a line in the sand on Palm Beach Shores.

George II has accused Al Gore of trying to make a federal case out of this.

He's still got the bandage on his face from the stylus when he tried to vote. What you can't see are the marks all over his legs and torso.

Meanwhile former Citrus Canker Queen and Disney villainess Katherine Harris has given Tipper a spinning wheel in the hopes that she will prick her finger.

The vote recount is hung up on results from Disney World where voters are just plain Goofy.

The Seminole vote is not yet in, although they appear to be leaning towards resumption of full military hostilities. What a county- Seminoles on one side, Jews on the other. I defy you to say which is the lost tribe.

Still waiting for clarification on the absentee ballots, which were mostly from absentee landlords who tend to be Republican.

In Palm Beach county, they've started to hold Warren Christopher up to the light to look for holes. The count has been delayed there since all the bridge tables were being used for Canasta.

Whatever the outcome, you've got to give both these guys credit for maintaining an election this long at their age, even though neither of their mandates are perceptibly bigger. Obviously hand counts have helped, since mechanical devices can only go so far, although Kathleen Harris seems to prefer them. And when she says no, she means no. There'll be no pregnant chads on her watch. All we can hope is that the climax--whenever it comes--will have been worth the effort.

In other news, Clinton finally goes to Vietnam where, due to a translator's error, he tells the Vietnamese, "Ich bin ein Berliner"--I am a Jelly Donut.

That's all the news that isn't . . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman