Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the November 11, 2000 show.

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November 11, 2000

In the midst of all this brouhaha, it's easy to forget the most significant outcome of this election: a dead man winning in Missouri. If this trend holds, look for a JFK/Humphrey ticket in 2004.

Believe you me, Nixon's chomping at the bit to get back into the fray. Spiro won't be running, unfortunately, having gone straight to hell.

Based on the Missouri model, if, God forbid, Gore had died before the election, Tipper would be President-elect right now.

Being dead in office is not necessarily a liability if you pick good people. Pretty much the George W. philosophy--dead or George W., pretty much the same. Plus, there are precedents, what with John Wayne and Fred Astaire still doing commercials.

What a week for headlines;
A Nation Waits.
A Nation Still Waiting.
A Nation. Did I Mention We're Waiting?
Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap. (A Nation's Foot.)
Get On With It, Fools!

The Bushes have been sitting in that hotel room in Austin for a week now. Barb's been stashing the miniature soaps and sundries, while Poppy tries to work the Spectravision, somehow still getting "Debbie Does Dallas."

George II's back at the governor's mansion, where Jim Baker keeps grabbing glasses out of his hand. If he doesn't take a drink now, he never will.

I bet Gore's sorry he ever invented the Electoral College. He's prepared for this all his life, having gone to Electoral Grade School, Electoral Middle School, Electoral High . . . to get this close to graduating and find you're a few credits short . . . Of course, he could always go back in Electoral Engineering.

Gore doesn't even have a transition team -- only Warren Christopher who looks like a professional mourner. Looks like a pallbearer heading his delegation.

George II has at least rounded up all the surviving members of Poppy's team; after Missouri, even the dead one's will get something. Like Casper the Unfriendly Weinberger. Poppy couldn't remember all the names of the guys who worked for him, but Barbara can: she put all their names in her knitting.

Bush has already announced that Colin Powell will get every cabinet post.

Laura's got all these moving trucks coming up from Houston. Hopefully, Clinton will let them store the furniture in Hillary's old room.

All eyes remain on Florida where, ordinarily, the arrival of a flock of cranes following a man in a crane outfit flying an ultralight would draw some attention.

Just a few hundred votes separate them, or fewer than those on hand for the early bird special the House of Pancakes. Many of the older voters in Palm Beach thought the ballot was the House of Pancakes menu, and mistakenly punched pigs in a blanket with silver dollar pancakes. At $1.99 you can't beat it. For many of them that butterfly ballot was flapping.

If you think it's easy for older Americans with cataracts , try holding 2 glass ashtrays over your eyes next time you vote. Or drive.

Buchanan carrying a Jewish county raised a few eyebrows, at least those that could still be raised, and the large number of Yasser Arafat write-in's seemed unusual.

The only way they could've made it harder for the older voters would have been to put the ballot in a bottle with a child-proof cap.

I actually feel worse for the Libertarians who ended up voting Socialist.

Tensions are starting to run a bit high now. George II was so upset he executed that Mexican guy just to take his mind off it.

Bob Dole told Gore to stand up like a man, then went off to fill his Viagra prescription.

There have been reports of Democrats rounding up Naderistas and forcing them to eat Chunk O'Dolphin Tuna. Put Firestones on their Volvos. Putting them in a room with spotted owls covered in whatever spotted owls eat. Forcing them to work for a for-profit organization. Sneak in their houses and throw away all their recyclables.

Meanwhile, Cuba has said a new election in Florida would be reasonable and has offered to send observers.

That's all the news that isn't.

© 2000 Michael Feldman