Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the October 28, 2000 show.

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October 28, 2000

That's the trouble with a subway series -- New York has to win. Of course, New York has to lose, too, but that's not much consolation.

Didn't generate much interest around here. What we need is a lefse series -- the Twins and Brewers. A beer and a chaser series.

Roger "I thought it was the ball" Clemens. During batting practice what does he do, throw bats?

What's he going to do now, stalk Piazza? Piazza taking a shower -- the screech of violins, curtains thrown back: Roger Clemens with a broken bat, thrusting, thrusting . . .

It was all over even before Hillary could decide which side she was on.

On the campaign trail, Gore comes to Madison, Wisconsin for a dramatic "Ich bin ein Cheesehead" speech.

A huge throng -- 30,000. Twenty-nine-five for Melissa Etheridge, but still.

Only fair she should help out. Gore was the genetic donor for her child, not David Crosby. In fact, Al sang "Almost Cut My Hair." A little known fact.

Wisconsin turns out to be pivotal. Used to be 11 electoral votes wouldn't get you a free slush at Dairy Queen.

Gore's running against Darth Nader here. Sounds a little apocalyptic on this global warming thing, like the world will end if he doesn't win. And for him it might. Sounds a bit like Ron Hubbard without the dianetics. Or on diuretics.

George II will probably adopt his dad's policy on global warming -- a cool weave shirt and pith helmet from L.L. Bean. W's only statement on it so far has been "Is it getting warmer, or is it just me?" Of course the Republicans believe it's not the global warming, it's the global humidity. They're still waiting for a hole to open up in Houston's atmosphere.

Bush has been running on the "Texas miracle" in education-you know, 49th not 50th. The Mississippi miracle, really.

Turns out Texas kids score higher on state tests because the questions may be skewed in their favor. Some sample questions: The verbal part of the test: "Deep in the heart of _______" "In her hair she wears a ________ribbon." "____ for Texas." (a letter) "Big ___little___double-l-a-s." The math section is all figuring the oil depletion allowance, something Texas kids are weaned on. And a story problem, "A man buys a major league baseball club with no collateral, mismanages it, sells out for fifteen million and runs for President. How does he do it?"

That's all the news that isn't. . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman