Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the September 9, 2000 show.

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September 9, 2000

Firestone says tire defects too infrequent to detect -- plans to increase.

George II agrees to 3 debates -- on the Home Shopping Network, in front of the Dallas Junior League at Neiman Marcus, and at the gun show in Waco. No word yet from the Gore camp.

Republican vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney, it is reported, does not vote, doesn't give to charity, and, if elected, plans to park a double- wide trailer on the south lawn of the White House and pick his teeth with a Bowie knife.

Out of an income of some 20 million dollars over the past ten years, Cheney gave an average of $172 to charity, while Joe Lieberman gave everything to Hadassah.

In a last ditch 'everything must go' legacy closeout, President Clinton will bring together the Arabs and Israelis, North and South Koreans, the Chinese, Taiwanese, East Timorese and Indonesians, Russians, Chechynians, Hutus and Tutsis to the Quality Inn in Canton, Ohio where no offer will be refused!

Negotiations have broken down, however, for his own room in Chappaqua with a separate entrance.

The Vatican reaffirms Catholicism to be the only true religion, but, in an ecumenical gesture, says contributions to the building fund are welcome from any quarter.

Ralph Nader comes out in favor of hemp -- although I personally think he needs something with a little more kick. Now if he endorses Renaissance fairs it could put him over the top.

A study reveals that postal workers go on killing rampages less often than other federal employees and that the phenomenon should actually be called "going federal."

And the successful development of an implantable male contraceptive is announced, which, for the first time, will allow men to have sex without even thinking about the consequences. Well, all right, maybe not for the first time...

That's all the news that isn't...

© 2000 Michael Feldman