Michael Feldman's--All The News That Wasn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the July 8, 2000 show.

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Well, it's out--Harry Potter and the Bushel of Money. $25.95 times how ever many young muggles there are out there. 734 pages: if this is bed-time reading the kids will never get to sleep. When Ellie gets done with this one, I'm going to give her Ulysses for a light summer read.

And if she doesn't stop calling me Lord Voldemort, I'm going to take it away from her.

In other news, Palestine's Arafat and Israel's Barak will meet at Camp David in a last ditch attempt to forge a Clinton legacy.

Sampras and Agassi advance at Wimbledon without beating their sisters.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair's 16-year-old son is booked for public drunkenness under the name "Freddie Thatcher."

The Pentagon's anti-missile missile proves to be an anti-anti-missile missile, or, for short, a near missile. The "kill vehicle" turns out to be a "wuss vehicle."

The U.S.-backed Columbian drug force seizes Juan Valdez, slashes open his sacks and impounds his donkey: the cocaine trade stops in its tracks.

In Colorado, the Board of Education approves school use of "In God We Trust" -- "All Others Pay Cash" remains optional. The board approved the religious slogan after rejecting "God, That's Good," "God'll Get Ya," "Shoot 'Em All and Let God Sort 'Em Out," and "Lord Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes-Benz."

Meanwhile the Supreme Court says its ruling eliminating prayers at school games does not preclude sporting events during church services. The court also reaffirmed the rights of the arrested to receive their Miranda warning except in Indiana where they will receive a copy of the Ten Commandments and which one they are most likely being charged under.

In other religious news, the Episcopalians are merging with the Evangelical Lutherans in what is being called a "same sect marriage."

Another gaffe for George II speaking before a Hispanic audience saying "sometimes we don't have the "corazon" necessary," when obviously he meant to say "cajones."

And Big Brother debuts on CBS, being an intrusive look at domestic life so realistic that nothing happens. If you want domestic life without semblance of privacy, have kids. No potty cam needed, they just walk right in and set right down . . .

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman