Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

Check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.

Listen in to the monologue from the June 17, 2000 show.

Problem listening to Real Audio? Get Help!

June 17, 2000

You know gas is getting high when you see people putting car racks on their bikes.

Gas--at $2.25 a gallon, get an ounce and dab a little behind each ear. And if it goes any higher, light it.

Hard to keep the Weinermobile in ketchup at these prices.

Gas prices are highest in the Midwest--that's because we're least likely to say anything about it. Just a lot of sighing at the U Pump.

Government officials say they have no idea why prices are rising so quickly, other than rapacious price-gouging and the unbridled greed of oil companies.

In other news, the Southern Baptists say women pastors should go home and submit graciously unto their husbands. But you can't do that all day either. They still could be lay ministers--but we are long past the day when church ladies could be chained to the organ.

The convention did not take up the question of whether Baptists living alone should submit graciously unto themselves.

Medical marijuana has been OK'd in Hawaii: Aloha High! A little Maui- wowee goes a long way towards glaucoma prevention. An ounce of prevention is worth a kilo of cure. Maybe a quarter-ounce at those prices.

At Los Alamos, two hard drives filled with nuclear secrets have been missing since fire officials used them to beat out the flames. Officials are looking for a Chinese guy to arrest.

The security guys waited three weeks to report the loss of the two hard drives--they kept getting a different count. The drives were about the size of a pack of playing cards--as a matter of fact, their packs of playing cards are missing, too.

In other matters of national security, a President who's not really in power gets set to deploy an anti-missile system that doesn't work against an enemy which doesn't exist. This is why the Clinton legacy will be a Subaru.

If North Korea and south Korea get back together, is that 2 rogue nations, or one? And which one makes the Kia?

There are only two things holding up Korean unification: the Mao jacket dress code in the north, and what to call the new state. The North Koreans insist on calling it North Korea, and the South Koreans, South Korea. Greater Korealand? If this doesn't work out, the North Koreans may merge with the East Germans and the South Milwaukeeans.

Looks like a WWF-style free-for-all at the Reform Party convention in Long Beach. Perotnistas versus Buccaneers with Jesse coming in through the ropes with a folding chair.

If Perot sticks his head under the hood this year, they're going to drop it on him. Fortunately, with those ears, it won't roll too far.

The former Army colonel accused of spying for the Russians is now a grocery bagger in Florida. They paid pretty well, but not much in the way of a retirement plan.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman