Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the May 27, 2000 show.

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May 27, 2000

George II says he is an independent thinker--what he means is one thought is independent of the next.

Bush said he'd unilaterally cut nuclear weapons as long as the Russians do, too.

He wants to give the individual states the right to defend against incoming missiles. In Wisconsin we'll just declare an ICBM season.

Of course, they'll have to tear the missile out of Charlton Heston's cold, dead hands.

George II said character education should be required in school. He didn't say if he'd enroll. Got a C-minus in character at Yale.

Speaking of character, a state panel recommended that President Clinton not be allowed to practice law in Arkansas, although he would not be prevented from selling Razorback paraphernalia before games.

Clinton and the Democrats set a new record for fundraising--over $26 million at one event. You'd have to get the Marx Brothers to stuff the Lincoln Bedroom to come that close again. The $500,000 seats had better have been a lot better than the $50 ones.

Elian Gonzalez moves to Washington, D.C., while his Miami relatives move to a new place with bigger closets in case he visits.

The China trade bill passes, ignoring human rights but upholding the rights of Furbys'.

The government report on SUV rollovers advises the Pope to sit down.

The new portrait on the Lincoln five dollar bill is so big you can see the exit wound. The ten, blown up, turns out to be George Hamilton.

Astronauts aboard the space station finish changing the locks so the Russians can't get in.

And the judge hearing the Microsoft case hints the company may be broken up into multiple pieces: "What five places would you like to go to today?"

That's all the news that isn't .. . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman