Michael Feldman's--All The News That Wasn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the May 13, 2000 show.

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May 13, 2000

"I love you , I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. . . I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you . . ." I wish Sam Cook would stop e-mailing me!

The "I love you" virus--finally a thesis with a practical application.

In Washington, the Million Mom March converges on the capital followed by the Jewish Mom March, urging them to dress properly and wear comfortable shoes.

In Los Alamos, the controlled burn continues as planned posing no threat to the controlled plutonium/high explosive storage. Officials blame the National Weather Service for not predicting a firestorm.

Six planets in the solar system line up this week awaiting only a cue ball from God--proving once and for all God does not play dice with the universe, He plays pool with it.

In New York, Mayor Giuliani's wife to take the Vagina Monologues on the road. Mayor left with the Prostate Dialogues with "a very good friend." I blame Hillary--she attracts this kind of thing.

In its annual report, Ford portrays SUV-induced global warming, pollution, and endangerment of other vehicles as nicely balanced by increased profits . . . a rising tide lifts all SUV'S. . .

In San Francisco, by local ordinance, it is now not over until the woman of weight sings.

UC Berkeley astronomers using high altitude balloons confirm the universe is very nearly as flat as Iowa: the Unified Corn Field Theory.

And the winner of the largest lottery jackpot in history-363 million dollars-says he put down a hundred dollars on Tuesday for 98 tickets and a hot dog; the question is, how was the hot dog?

That's all the news that isn't . . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman