Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the April 29, 2000 show.

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April 29, 2000

South Bend (Mishawaka or Notre Dame), it's a place where Michael can test drive a Hummer and get the respect in traffic he deserves. You'll find football fans so loyal they'll even embezzle for their team, and Bobby Knight only chokes players in Indiana, he shoots people in Wisconsin. If you want to know how the nuclear plant is preventing a meltdown and who has the best Doppler Radar, you'll want to tune in for All The News That Isn't. It may turn ugly when Michael insights a rumble between South Bend and Mishawaka...

South Bend: Michiana Number Ones

#1 Creative use of time:
Indiana Time. Some counties are on Central Daylight Savings Time, some are on Eastern DST, some are on Central or Eastern Standard Time-some are on Michelob time. Opponents see Daylight Savings Time as a plot to fluoridate the water under the cover of darkness.

#1 Place to be if, in fact, it's there:
Notre Dame, Indiana. This is like saying I come from Whad'ya Know, Wisconsin. It's not bad enough you can't tell where South Bend ends and Mishawaka begins or if Michiana is mythological? The good news (for a Jewish boy) is we stayed in St. Mary's College for Women, IN.

#1 Recreational vehicle:
The Hummer. Finally the respect you deserve on the road, particularly with the optional gun turrets. At last, a family vehicle you can feel good about towing a howitzer with-haul one up to deer camp and take out the entire herd!

#1 Strategy on adult clubs:
Close them at 10. You really want these guys out on the street all cranked up with no where to go?

#1 Railroad safety initiative:
No train whistles. Make them turn off their lights, too, and, while you're at it, do something about those toilets that dump on the overpasses when you're under them fishing.

#1 Reason not to feel better:
The re-starting Cook Nuclear Plant will have 1,944 baskets of ice to prevent a meltdown.

#1 Media war:
Who has the better Doppler radar, WNDU or WSBT? WNDU can predict storms in Saudi Arabia with theirs (although they have trouble locally) but WSBT's is so powerful they can microwave products still in the freezers of Channel 22 viewers.

#1 Urban redevelopment plan:
Vacating alleys. How do you vacate an alley (other than leaving it?)

#1 Name for a landmark:
Leeper Bridge.

#1 Carrying on in the face of adversity:
Charlie Feirrell, who, despite a leg wound and a wife, married a local TV anchor. Rumors now have him romantically linked with Kimberly Dunbar.

#1 Religious sentiment:
90% of Hoosiers think it's OK to post the Ten Commandments. That's 9 out of 10-which commandment do we lose?

© 2000 Michael Feldman