Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the April 15, 2000 show.

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April 15, 2000

You know, this Elian thing -- my six year old tells me where she doesn't want to go every day. To school for example. But if Gloria Estefan wants to intervene, I'm willing to talk about it. Maybe we'll all stay home.

They offered his dad two million to stay in the U.S., I'll stay for a lot less.

Daring Janet Reno to use force is like dangling a bottle of Jim Beam in front of an alcoholic. That way her hands shake -- they're all trigger fingers. Could send in the ATF, Junior Division.

Time is running short -- they need the kid down there for the cane harvest. And, really, what red-blooded boy wouldn't want a machete in lieu of a Game Boy? Maybe a compromise is in order: Little Havana now, big Havana when he grows up.

In other news, President Clinton says he's not interested in a pardon but an "excuse me" would be nice.

Legally, it's not clear if you can pardon yourself -- it's kind of like tickling. Al Gore would probably pardon him, but without holding any particular office it wouldn't have much effect. Unless he goes back to the seminary and works out a dispensation.

Instead of a pardon, George II will jump on his feet at the hanging. That's compassionate conservatism. Even kinder and gentler than his dad. Maybe they can do it at the Inauguration while they've got the scaffold up.

George II met behind closed doors with gay Republicans in an attempt to broaden his base. Afterwards, he says that -- bottomline -- his position remains intact. They did manage to avoid the stickier issues, before crowning the Bluebonnet Queen.

After his homosexual experience Bush said, "I'm a better man for it." Gary Bauer said Bush was shooting himself in the foot, but he'll get the hang of it.

A compromise on the confederate flag in South Carolina, where they'll take it off the statehouse and park an F150 pickup on the lawn with a rebel decal on the window behind the gun rack.

The Drug Enforcement Agency says that Federal Express drivers delivered tons of marijuana from Mexico to the east coast. The good news: it was there by 10 the next morning.

In religion, Reform Jews come out in favor of same sex marriages as long as they're both Jewish.

And the Supreme Court upholds pasties and g-strings on nude dancers, Clarence Thomas dissenting. . .

That's all the news that isn't. . .