Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the March 18, 2000 show.

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March 18, 2000

If this Wayne LaPierre of the NRA shoots like he talks, pull him around on a little cart and call him Stumpy.

This is the kind of thing that would have been settled in a duel a few years ago. Clinton's still got that squirrel gun his uncle gave him, doesn't he? Should go looking for him. We could have a presidential assassin where the president is the assassin.

In other news, the Whitewater special prosecutor comes out with Bill and Hillary's Greatest Hits-the boxed set. Worked for Santana.

People for the Ethical Treatment of (Non-Human) Animals tries to get college students to drink beer. That's going to be a tough sell. Have to drag them out of the bars first. All because they think milking cows is cruel. The students are already drinking 'till the cows come home. And the cows are about to burst.

The Mothers Against Drunk Driving are incensed--looks like a grudge match--MADD versus PETA--the fur will fly!

Wait until they set the cows free and they don't move.

In Vermont, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a "civil union" (so called, of course, to differentiate it from marriage)." I say it's marriage, and I say the hell with it!

Vermont would become the first state in the union where those in a same- sex relationship will lose a major benefit: no threat of marriage.

In the presidential preference polls, George II is leading among men, and Gore leads among women, largely because he invented the soccer mom.

In Scotland, a litter of five cloned pigs means that all the little piggies go to market (none stay home, get roast beef, get none, or go wee-wee-wee...)

And a NASA probe discovers that Mars is so windswept they give the wind-chill factors automatically on the weather.

That's all the news that isn't...

© 2000 Michael Feldman