Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the March 11, 2000 show.

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March 11, 2000

Well, they call it Super Tuesday, but Wednesday's just as bad. After the McCain Mutiny and Man Behaving Bradley, it looks like the much feared Gore-Tex race.

I'm anxious to see if Cindy McCain wears those Sgt. Pepper outfits when they're not running for President.

Kind of a shame, Bill Bradley was right on the verge of having a message.

Now the pressure's on -- for Gore this is absolutely the last race where his comb-over will hold. He needs to build on the core of his support, the Buddhist Temple vote -- and believe me, they turn out. He owns the saffron robe vote.

George II would seem to have the advantage with Jesus running his campaign, although Tipper's no slouch.

Bush is planning to show his world view with some international trips -- he's going to the orange country, the green one, two yellow ones, and the big pink boot.

Both candidates will have to go after the Reagan Democrats -- those are the ones who can't remember their party affiliation.

In other news, at Bob Jones University in South Carolina, students can now interracially date with a note from their parents, giving them almost the complete rights of an American citizen. With permission they can also assemble in public places (provided they wear ties and skirts) and speak very nearly freely.

Darva Conger, filing for annulment from her millionaire, will marry Elian Gonzalez so he can get his green card.

Pope to apologize for history; next year, English and Phy Ed.

A study reveals that brains continue to grow to age 15 but not a minute after. That'll take you right up to your learner's permit.

The army rejects an appeal of the 1865 conviction of the doctor accused of aiding John Wilkes Booth -- his name is still Mudd.

And researchers at Ohio State conclude that leaving on a nightlight does not make you nearsighted. The results are still out on whether swallowed gum stays in your stomach, if running with a pointed object will take out an eye, and the manifold dangers of thrusting your hands in your pockets. . .

That's all the news that isn't . . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman