Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the January 29, 2000 show.

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January 29, 2000

The Supreme Court rules that schools can't post the 10 Commandments in Kentucky. I say, "Judge not lest ye be judged."

I'm not saying it was a little slow over there on Richmond's Eastern bypass -- they just voted it wet but not soon enough for us-but I had a little time on my hands in the hotel room so I picked up the Bible. I counted 14, 502 commandments. And that's just the Old Testament -- before the sequel.

Post all of 'em, you get into a serous wall space problem.

And this doesn't include the Neilsen top ten, Durkee's 10 serving suggestions, Letterman's list, and Casey Kasem's Top 100.

What about the Pick Five Commandments? That'd make it a little simpler, and add the lottery element.

In Exodus (Chapter 23) there are 17 ox clauses, alone: who your ox gores, who gores your ox, what to do if it pushes a servant, if it falls in somebody's hole, who gets the road kill, whether or not it goes in the burgoo, what to do if two oxen fight, how many oxen you have to give back if you steal an ox (five-only four with sheep), your liability for selling a sick ox or if your ox trespasses, what to do if you're attracted to an ox.

Why not just memorize the Ten Commandments -- then you don't have to put 'em up. Or, failing that, get ten people to each memorize one. I'll take covet.

The 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not post."

Then of course there's evolution -- excuse me, "change over time." As the French say, the more things change over time the more they stay the same over time. . .

Things do change over time, except for men. Women just get increasingly fed up with them.

As a gentleman writing to the local paper said "If there is evolution, why are there still monkeys?" He then scratched under both arms and hung from the chandelier.

Of course the danger is if Kentucky bans evolution, Tennessee may evolve ahead of you. I mean change over time. They already have the mutated Houston Oilers in the Super Bowl.

Kentucky is unique. The tobacco settlement money here is going to tobacco farmers. Presumably so they can plant more tobacco. The other half goes to smokers to defray the high cost of a pack of cigarettes.

The bulk of it goes to burley growers, but what about the little guy? They' re not all burley. That means if there's ever a cocaine settlement, the money will go to the poppy growers.

Its a tough situation, though -- if tobacco farmers switch to Belgian Endive, chard, or water cress -- those are all addictive. Or as a tobacco executive said the other day, he prefers not to use the word "addictive." He says you just change over time.

Some of the news that isn't from Kentucky -- the Blue Grass Army Depot has a lot of nerve. Unfortunately, it's all in the form of gas. The solution: ship it to Tennessee.

They're building a new prison that looks like a horse farm. The prisoners stay in stalls except for exercise time in the paddock, while they muck out the stalls. The lucky ones put in their time and get put out to stud.

Riverboat gambling in surrounding states is said to drain a billion dollars out of Kentucky that would otherwise be lost at the racetrack.

The good news is that so many of Kentucky's horse farms are now owned by Arabs, you're eligible for foreign aid.

The Bucks for Brains program sounds like a good idea to me, although I didn't pay that much for mine. It came free, but you get what you pay for. I would advise, at that price, make sure all the lobes are there and you're not getting something they scramble in Missouri.

The bottle bill is bottled up in the legislature -- a ten cent deposit on bottles, or a dollar-ten if there's a brain in them.

The movement to keep Kentucky organs in Kentucky is essential now that other states are evolving and the organs may no longer fit. . .

That's all the news that isn't. . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman