Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the January 22, 2000 show.

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January 22, 2000

The Iowa caucuses are about to produce their first carcasses. Tuesday they send in the trucks to pick up the downed candidates. Iowa -- corn, hogs, farrowing candidates, and soybeans. At least the sows can rest easy, knowing their piglet won't be plucked from the teat for another photo op with Steve Forbes.

Forbes must have taken remedial 4H -- he's gotten pretty good with farm animals. They've taken a shine to him around the barnyard. Were a straw poll taken of those who actually bed down on it, he'd be a shoo-in.

So far the high point of the Iowa campaign was Gary Bauer raffling off the septuplets for twenty-five dollars a head. Now that's family value.

Bradley may have miscalculated in Iowa -- not only has he refused to fondle a piglet, his "basically the guy you hated in high school" theme may have backfired. People still hate the guy they hated in high school.

Now it's on to New Hampshire where, despite what they say, you can't take anything for granite.

In other news, officials along the border in Texas are startled as Pat Buchanan slips through a hole in the fence and defects to Mexico. Rumor has him vying for the presidential nomination of the ruling party in Chihuahua.

Hillary Clinton denies being on drugs when she slept with Vincent Foster.

Elian's grandmothers arrive in the US and defect once they see Fifth Avenue. I thought it was rather odd they went to New York when the kid was in Miami.

The British release Pinochet but throw Thatcher in the back of a paddy wagon.

The Pentagon discovers its anti-missile missile doesn't like missiles. The only way they're going to get a missile to blow up is to let NASA build it.

Too late for this year's Grammies, the National Archives releases Richard Nixon's Greatest Hits, including "We have a cancer," "It would be wrong," and the still haunting "Ellsberg -- that's a Jewish name, isn't it?" If Santana can win, Nixon's the one in 2001.

The White House, which had been reviewing TV scripts for their drug messages, says it will get out of the TV business. I wondered why all those kids on 90201 weren't inhaling.

And, here in Wisconsin, an uncommonly warm winter and lack of stress produces a huge whitetail herd. The motor vehicle department estimates as many 100,000 additional vehicles will have to be put on the road to make a dent.

That's All the News That Isn't.

© 2000 Michael Feldman