Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the January 8, 2000 show.

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January 8, 2000

Raising the stakes in the Gore/Bradley debate on gays in the military, Al Gore now claims he invented homosexuality.

Gore and Bradley -- trying to out liberal one another -- have called for an all-gay armed forces. In order to attract recruits, they may have to relax the dress code a bit -- we're talking fabrics, cut, accessorizing. And they really must do something with the barracks.

How about the U.S. Marine and Dance Corps?

Military leaders will have to agree with the policy, which certainly gives new meaning to the Joint Chiefs. Personally, I don't want to be the one to give them the litmus test. Let 'em pick up a kit at Walgreen's.

On the Republican side, Gary Bauer maintains that gay marriage is an act of terrorism. As opposed to heterosexual marriage, an all-out take no prisoners battle to the death. So your point's well taken, Gar.

The six year old Cuban boy will be sent home to his dad as soon as they can find a way to ship his Play Station, Game Boy, Flip Phone, Flat Screen Projection TV with Stereo Surround Sound, dirt bike, Humvee, Spree, Complete Pokemon card and merchandise set, Jet Ski, DVD, Macintosh G3, and Miami Beach ensemble home for the return to a simple life in the cane fields. Naturally, there will be a period of adjustment.

Air traffic control suffered no Y2K problems, although the entire Northeast corridor was shut down when a Commodore computer thought it was 1978 and fried its 64K of memory when a controller played pong during a lull.

NASA says the Mars Polar Lander may have crashed in a hole a mile deep-or 1.609 kilometers -- they're not sure which.

In a reversal of the Civil War, the Southern Baptists have begun moving north to convert the Northern Baptists who, they feel, have gotten too close to the Episcopalians.

Actually, they're targeting Jews and Muslims for conversion, which, come to think of it, could lead to peace in the middle east. Except that Southern Baptists are known to fight among themselves.

Evangelical Jews will counter with exciting opportunities in law, medicine and accounting. Just one little snip and you could qualify!

President Clinton leaves the relatively easy Mideast talks to negotiate a land for peace accord with Hilary in Chapaqua, New York. The key issues are sovereignty over the house they both claim, the security borders of the two wings, the free and open entry and egress from occupied territory, and the conversion of the utility shed for Bill's needs. According to a spokeswoman, progress has been made through comprehensive and rigorous discussion.

Here in Madison, Wisconsin, right here at Monona Terrace, we almost got a presidential debate but they wanted to bring in donuts. If you bring a dish to pass at $5.50 a constituent, that's a lot of soft money out the window.

Our CD, "Why Not the Best of Whad'ya Know?" did not make the Grammy short list, but Garrison did with "Livin' La Vida Minnesota!" You know awards are cutting edge when Santana gets 10 nominations. Kansas got six, Alabama four, and Minnesota one.

Tech stocks plummeted this week amid fears that simply losing vast sums of money with untested technologies is not enough to attract investors.

In sports, the Packers mistakenly fire the staff and keep the team. This season was so bad that not only will the Packers not get a new stadium, they 'll be playing at St. Norbert's until they demonstrate a knowledge of the fundamentals.

A mental workup of Atlanta Brave John Rocker reveals nothing.

That's all the news that isn't. . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman