Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the December 18, 1999 show.

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December 18, 1999

Y2K? I'll give you Y2K --Why 2 Kids at home for a long Christmas vacation?

Or, as my wife calls it, Y2 Night?

In the news, Linda Tripp's bridge partners turn her in. They knew she was taping because every time they made a bid they had to shout into her bodice.

Monica Lewinsky testified in the Tripp taping case that, unlike with the President, she did not give consent.

Speaking of strange bedfellows, John McCain jilts Russ Feingold, takes up with Bill Bradley. He's seeing another liberal.

Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal. There goes any hope of re-election. While down on the old canal Carter was attacked by a large swimming rabbit he had to beat off with an oar. Some things never change.

President Clinton is looking at permutations of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy: Ask, Don't Tell-Don't Ask, Tell-Ask, Tell-or Just Be Cool.

At the Brooklyn Museum of Art, a man smears paint on a work of dung --a madman! Fortunately, they stopped him before he swam with the formaldehyde shark.

We had our own Wisconsin version of the "Sensation" art show-the exhibit included ten pounds of Braunschweiger left out overnight, a shirt and pants woven entirely out of string cheese, a kielbasa cut into 12 sections and floated in formaldehyde, and a tableau of fetal deer playing cribbage.

And speaking of Wisconsin, Badger running back Ron Dayne wins the Heisman trophy, and coach's son Chad Alvarez wins the Betty Crocker microwave cookbook and ten days to leaf through it for parrot recipes.

An unusually warm fall around there, the lakes are still not frozen -- a lot of the ice fisherman don't realize you can't sit on water. Doesn't auger well. Worse, you go down, the damn cooler floats away. The big question: is it global warming or just the salty beer and urine from last season keeping the water from freezing?

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman