Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the December 11, 1999 show.

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December 11, 1999

Here in Wisconsin, the social security number/hunting license sting of 700,000 hunters has so far netted 381 Amish.

After the latest Mars failure, NASA announces it has amended its "faster, better, cheaper" motto to include "or not at all." It's amazing what you can do with a garage door opener, an advanced Lego set and a fifty dollar gift certificate from Radio Shack.

Maybe it's time for NASA to think about inner space. The good news is that everything on this mission was metric. It's not the Polar Lander, it's the Polar Fleece.

The one device that worked on the mission, the Mars microphone, did pick up sounds of what appears to be smashing glass and the radio being removed. Just picked the wrong neighborhood to land.

The Mars Global Surveyor has detected an ocean on the planet, but it dried up in the three billion years it took NASA to get there.

In Washington, a giggling Russian on a bench outside the state department was arrested when it was discovered he was listening to American foreign policy.

In Texas, an inmate is rushed from intensive care to die by lethal injection, answering the question "what is compassionate conservatism?"

The compassionate part is he wasn't billed for the ER visit. Speaking of George II, the Bush debate style has come under attack. He did score points for saying he was qualified as the leader of the second largest state, but he couldn't name it. Well, he doesn't like to cram.

John McCain has edged ahead in New Hampshire, where his experience of being confined to a hut and eating pumpkin soup is considered frugal.

In Miami, the US and Cuba have agreed to joint custody of the six year old boy. The US will get him every other weekend and during vacations, other times to be agreed upon.

Hillary has criticized her husband's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, although she didn't say which one.

She's already packing up her things for the move to New York-the Whitewater promissory notes, the Rose billing records, the nude Polaroid's of Dick Morris. It's just a trial senatorship, though; if she loses they'll have to look at something more permanent.

That's all the news that isn't. . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman