Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the November 20, 1999 show in Charleston, South Carolina.

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November 20, 1999

Did you read where lady bugs have been accused of causing asthma? Where's Jesse Jackson when you need him?

Expelled? Suspended? Tardy? Call 1-800-YO-JESSE!

Jesse's getting a little hard up for issues. After all, in football people are supposed to get beat up on the field not in the stands. The kids involved are now taking remedial assault and battery.

Where was he when Bucky Badger got pummeled by that cheerleader?

On the campaign trail, Al Gore trots out his Alpha-male in front of Microsoft-turns out to be a beta version. Look for Al v2.0.

Bill Bradley's been showing his graying basketball supporters. These guys look like an old-timers game waiting to happen. Hopefully, they won't try to get back into those short shorts.

The younger players are worried about their endorsements; Bill Bradleys come and go but Gatorade goes on and on.

George II, while saying he will not go into his sordid past, reveals that he was not dancing nude on a bar but was, in fact, wearing a diaper. Raising the level of political discourse.

Bush was seen recently at a Des Moines elementary school stepping up his study of world affairs. If he passes, he goes on to a Des Moines middle school.

His plan for education includes the 5 R's: readin,' ritin,' rithmatic, right and rong.

Bush was indignant about the charges he is light on foreign policy experience, citing a night in Ciudad Juarez he doesn't want to go into. Tequila!

Meanwhile, brother Jeb in Florida takes what may be regarded as a slap at his big brother by announcing all students above a C average can go on to college.

Steve Forbes shows his capitalist tool to a startled crowd in Andover; chances appear slim.

The Supreme Court will review the ban on prayers at football games just in time for the Packers’ season.

The American Airlines pilot accused of buzzing his own house to be suspended. "Those of you on the right can see the missus hanging out the laundry . . ."

That's all the news that isn't....

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman