Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the October 9, 1999 show.

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October 9, 1999

Patient rights, the number one being the right to have the gown cover your tuchise. Unless, of course, you're in for a tuchise work-up.

Senate Republicans oppose the Test Ban Treaty, citing the second amendment right to bear nuclear arms.

George II accuses Republicans of "slouching towards Gomorrah," which would imply that they were slinking out of Sodom. Or whatever other towns are around there -- the Twin Cities?

Following his comments on the two sides in Northern Ireland "acting like a couple of drunks" President Clinton says the parties in the middle east are like old men pushing to get at the schmaltz herring and schnapps at a wedding reception.

Transformation complete, Al Gore comes out as Leslie, singing "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

In a departure, Gary Bauer calls for "Sexual Healing."

Responding to accusations of anti-Semitism, Pat Buchanan notes his doctor and broker are both Jewish, they just can't come in the house.

The medical journal Lancet says that bed rest is not helpful for most medical conditions, and whatever you do don't stay warm or take plenty of fluids.

That's all the news that isn't . . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman