Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the October 2, 1999 show.

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October 2, 1999

Al Gore moves his campaign headquarters to Nashville for a makeover: "Hello, I'm Al Gore . . . 'I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. . .'" The Man in Black, Al Gore.

Bill Bradley is rapidly overtaking Gore in the polls, or Gore is rapidly sinking below him, depending how you look at it.

Bradley's going to have to deal with the chin thing. He's got wattles. Apparently that's where the height goes when tall guys collapse. Like aging body builders when their impressive pecs require cross-your-heart support.

A Bradley-Bush race -- I don't know, there's lot more "C" students than Rhodes scholars. Besides, we're just getting over a Rhodes Scholar -- it's no guarantee.

A Bradley-George II debate, he's going to sound like he's tutoring him. Bradley, you can't understand what he's saying, George II, you can't understand why he's saying it.

What was God thinking of when he made a smart basketball player? It's an evolutionary dead end, like Howard Stern, a tall Jew.

Gore is getting pretty desperate, judging by the campaign talking points: "Taller than Dukakis, More Hair than McGovern. Meaner than Mondale. Well, at least they'll have a foursome for golf.

Now Warren Beatty is making noises like a candidate. Sounds appealing, but what if he raps? If you can't run Madonna, can you run the country? You know with Warren Beatty as President, Monica wouldn't even make the casting call. We're talking some really interesting congressional hearings here. Guys are lining up to be independent counsel.

Reagan's biographer says George Bush was not allowed upstairs in the White House. Once they let him up and all the shoes got chewed. And Barbara walked off with all the soaps. Nancy has never forgiven her.

The controversy between NY Mayor Giuliani and the Brooklyn Museum of Art continues over whether or not elephant dung is covered under the First Amendment. I don't know if we can give the Founding Fathers that much credit.

Is a hog cut lengthwise and a cow divided into 12 sections art? Around here we call it baloney. What is Oscar Mayer, a gallery?

And governor Jesse Ventura of Minnesota -- that's Minnesota, not Wisconsin -- says that "Religion is a sham for weak-minded people." So, then, wrestling would be . . .?

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman