Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the September 18, 1999 show.

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September 18, 1999

That George II -- now every C or D student thinks he's going to be president. The A's and the B's know they're overqualified.

Kids: if you're going to have a C-minus average, make sure you've got a dad who's rich, well-born and a cabinet member or better before you rest on your laurels.

George II posted his fifty million on his web site -- no word whether it would be available for withdrawal. Turns out 5 million people gave $10 each. All right, 10 people gave 5 million -- same thing.

President Clinton puts forward a plan to buy back guns for 50 dollars or $100 plus watch, wallet, gold chains and sneakers if pointed at you.

American Airlines reduces carry-ons to one item: either a kilo of heroin or a hand grenade, but not both. Remember to order the Kosher meal in advance if you want the Uzi.

Pat Buchanan is looking for a new party. It's down to either the Reform or Nazi. Reform has the better buzz, Nazis have the cool outfits.

Miss America says women who've been divorced or pregnant should run for Miss Damaged Goods America.

Kenneth Starr, looking back, says he has mixed feelings about Mr. Clinton. He perjured himself and abused the powers of office, but oh, them babes!

The Coast Guard says it will start shooting at boats that might be used by drug smugglers. Cross off that bass boat with the big Merc on back from the mid-life wish list. At $1,000 a horse power they're going to shoot at the motor? To what, confiscate your Viagra and Minoxydil?

The Office of Drug Control Policy profiles the typical American drug user: he or she has a full time job, is married with children, has at least 2 years of college, is active in community affairs -- I'm surprised at you people! Well, sounds like whatever you're taking is doing you some good.

The highest incidence of drug use is among waiters, waitresses and bartenders, so it's finally clear what causes drug abuse: serving the public.

A poll reveals that 40% of Beanie babies plan to continue to work when retired; another 40% will volunteer. Most intend to leave their tags on to enhance marketability.

Advances on several fronts in science and law produce smarter mice that live longer and will be have the right to sue. Tail damaged in a trap? Loss of tail, what do you think, maybe a million?

Still time for Mrs. Clinton to establish residency in Wisconsin, where they can find a place a little more in their price range -- say a double-wide in Boscobel.

Their place in New York -- which, by the way, I refused to co-sign for (bad risk) -- is kind of like Jim's house and my house, with a house in between them. Each will get their own wing, connected by a windowless hallway for entertaining.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman