Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the August 14, 1999 show.

Problem listening to Real Audio? Get Help!

August 14, 1999

It only makes sense: going from a President who thinks he's Warren Beatty to Warren Beatty thinking he's President.

Al Gore becomes the first man to climb Mt. Ranier. OK, the 6,479th. This year. But the first to do it without bending his knees.

Hillary Clinton may become the first Gentile to live in Scarsdale, N.Y. We know she can summon up the yenta within.

A field of bad dreams in Iowa as Iowans pay 25 dollars a head to vote for the wrong candidate. It's called a straw poll because that's what the winner turns out to be stuffed with. Where's Ray Bolger when you need him?

Early returns show Steve Forbes garnering Debby Boone, Dan Quayle picking up Johnny "Looking for Votes in all the Wrong Places" Lee, Lamar Alexander garnering Crystal Gayle ("a 25 dollar value"), Orrin Hatch putting together a coalition of Vice Damone, Karl Malone, Nina Simone, Odi Cologne and Sly Stallone, George II with a bass fisherman, skeet shooter and Roger Staubach, and Gary Bauer, a long shot on a hot day, with Norma Lyons who has sculpted "The Last Supper" in butter.

It's a tough call.

The Republican party says it will attempt to raise one million dollars each from a thousand donors and take the country private.

Meanwhile, the Clinton Defense Fund is four million in the red -- time for another incident to rally the troops. They've pretty much cleaned out the White House of female staff, so that leaves Madeline Albright and Janet Reno. Talk about tough policy decisions.

On the heels of the court ruling to admit gay scouts, the Boy Scouts in New Jersey decide to offer a Mandy Patinkin badge.

Ken Starr says he will end the Whitewater inquiry by the end of the Millennium before the Y2K crash has computers thinking it's the Teapot Dome scandal.

Sergio Garcia, a 19 year old, leads the PGA field and does it with his cap facing forward,

And, Kansas deletes evolution from its curriculum; organisms will have to go to Missouri or Nebraska to evolve.

That's all the news that isn't......

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman