Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the July 31, 1999 show.

July 31, 1999

It hit 103 degrees yesterday just as my brother Arthur and his family were visiting. Let me tell you, it was not the heat or the humidity. It was Arthur.

Been hot all over, but Arthur's here. When Milwaukee's hotter than Chihuahua, you know something's going on with the climate. Another week of this and we'll be cutting up tires into harache sandals.

Health officials have been advising the sick and the elderly to stay cool. Might as well advise them to stay well and young.

In the news, a student leader from riot-marred Woodstock, IL says he deeply regrets torching the Mercedes. Deeply. But the ATMs had it coming.

At the Reform Party convention, Perot pops open the hood, Ventura pulls out the stick. Fortunately, with those ears, it was easy to pick up the head.

Governor Ventura is more qualified to lead the Reform Party having gone to reform school.

Wrestlers are now running for office around the country. It's appealing, but voters have to learn to resist the attraction of a candidate who can grasp an opponent by the crotch and spin him overhead like a propeller. Still, if it was Al Gore . . .

Would make for a more interesting debate. George II would be little harder to pin down.

The State of Florida plans to go after marijuana with a fungus -- if that works, they may go on to harder plants, like Kudzu. Before they do anything, they should check to see if you can get high off the fungus.

China and Taiwan again are squabbling over which is the real China. The solution? Order Chinese and see which China it comes from.

Pretty much mended our bridges to the Big China -- the US has agreed to give Beijing the coveted Most Favored Spy status. Saves the long downloads at Los Alamos.

And the Justice Department is proceeding with plans to break up Microsoft into 3 units: Where, Do You Want To, and Go Today.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman