Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the July 24, 1999 show.

July 24, 1999

Some quotes from the kids:

Last night Ellie (age 8) was teasing Nora (5.5) about being chubby. "You're not chubby," I told her, "you just still have your baby fat." "And you have grown-up fat," she replied.

Nora is the one who summarizes her parents this way: "You yell louder, but mom yells more."

Ellie, when asked to keep it down, had a scientific defense: "You yell. Mom yells. It's in the genes."

Wise beyond her years, Ellie gave me this advice one night when she didn't want me going out to have a beer: "Dad, you don't have to drink to act stupid." Amen.

In the news, Space Shuttle Columbia experiences some difficulties on lift off; fortunately, the female commander knew just how to deal with premature loss of engine thrust. You just ride it out.

Republican Tax Cuts: so called because you have to be one to get one. They say they're going to end the marriage penalty, but I think it's intrinsic.

George II has proposed a voucher system for churches which would allow the poor to attend Episcopalian services. When the plate is passed, you simply throw in your chit.

Airbus, the European aircraft manufacturer, has announced it will put synagogues in planes it sells to Israel just in time for the High Holidays.

Defying communist warnings, Boris Yeltsin threatens to stick a wick in Lenin and light it.

"Lolita's Story" will be published in this country, being a retelling of "Lolita" from the point of view of the girl Humbert Humbert obsessed over. This has spawned a rash of literary retellings including (but not limited to): "Monsieur Bovary," the story of a prominent foot surgeon who can't please his wife, "Metamorphosis II," in which a giant dung beetle is transformed into a bank teller, "My son, The Catcher in the Rye," or, "Looking for Trouble Signs in Gifted Adolescents," and "Come with the Wind," the story of General Sherman at Tara.

That's all the news that isn't.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman