Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

July 17, 1999

In the Wisconsin tobacco settlement, lawyers charged $3,000 an hour for 25,000 hours, or 75 million dollars, which would've bought 25 million packs of smokes. A bargain, really, when you consider on a six billion dollar settlement an agent would get 10% and an ex-wife half.

Senator Bob Smith leaves the Republican party much to the surprise of everybody who didn't know he was in it. With a name like Bob Smith you can have good name recognition without anybody knowing who you are.

Nikita Krushchev's son, Sergei, is made a U.S. citizen after threatening to bury the immigration official. Instead of notarizing his documents, he pounded them with his shoe to make it official. A chip off the old (Soviet) block.

Speaking of which, there'll be no matching Presidential funds for George II -- the government doesn't have the cash. Now, if his son wins the Presidency that'll be George III and American history will have come full circle.

Another Bush administration -- let's see, which point of light were we on? More dogs writing books, more vomiting at Japanese dinners. Does Dana Carvey have a son?

Candidate Bush is having trouble deciding whether he's promoting compassionate conservatism or conservativism. That's like Baptism or Baptistism, which means drowning a Baptist. Let's not get into passionate vs. compassionate -- a lot changes when you add the com-.

Riots in Tehran as Iranians hold themselves hostage. Unrest continues in the democratic movement, also known as the "Shave the Ayatollah" faction. Just like here: it's the guys with the mullah who run things.

The Chinese say they have the neutron bomb but will only use it domestically: The Great Leap Forward Birth Control Device. Although Taiwan could be an instant theme park with no lines.

Republican health care advances -- it only covers you if you're healthy. The minute you're sick, you're out. Managed care, you know: you'll just have to manage.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman