Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

June 26, 1999

The other white meat, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, is implementing his private school voucher plan. That's where he gives you $4000 for school and you only declare $500 so as not to embarrass him.

Dan Quayle's still trashing Murphy Brown. Somebody ought to tell him before he goes on to the Honeymooners, a real family values challenge.

Quayle, hovering in the single digits -- and this time, not just in IQ -- is stressing family values under the tutelage of his domestic adviser Mississippi's Kirk "The Governor Who Shagged Me" Fordice. Quayle says he doesn't miss the Sixties -- you know, the Cotillions, the Chivas, the country clubs, the dog legs to the left.

Meanwhile, George Jr., the brunette Dan Quayle, is boning up on geography after calling Slovenia Slovakia, Kosovars Kosovenians, and Albanians AlGorians.

Coca-Cola, after inducing Belgians to vomit, cramp and run for it for three weeks, comes up with . . . a Coke Give Away!

Doctors to form union despite the fact that if you picket it won't heal.

I'm on the operating table, I don't want to hear the shop steward saying "Slow down, you're making the other surgeons look bad."

Governor Ventura tells the media to shut up. Why didn't someone think of that before?

And, wouldn't you know it, for his first all-white movie, director Spike Lee chooses the Son of Sam, the touching story of a Jewish boy and his talking dog.

That's all the news that isn't.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman