Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

June 19, 1999

Al Gore makes his candidacy known -- and in the Argentine Pampas, a butterfly flaps its wings.

The House approves posting the 10 commandments in schools despite the rather obvious Charlton Heston tie-in. I think he gets a ten-cent royalty on every commandment.

Could be counter-productive; you know the Second Commandment: Thou Shalt Bear Arms. But, from a liability standpoint, at least the schools can say they were warned. The Ten Exclusion of Coverage Riders.

In a related meaningless gesture, theater owners vow to prevent young people entering R-rated movies. They're going to smell their breath for Skittles. I mean, come on, these are multiplexes. Kids this summer will be seeing "Tarzan, The Ape Who Shagged Me."

Speaking of primates, primatologists confirm that chimps have culture; public radio adds them to their pledge reminder mailing.

Newt Gingrich has been named a Hoover fellow -- he gets his first vacuum on Thursday.

Scientists determine that Einstein's brain was 15% wider, now turn their attention to Monroe's hips. Because wider is better.

Southern Baptists meet during Gay and Lesbian Pride Month -- a mere coincidence? Of course, it is dairy month, too.

In Europe, President Clinton goes over the tab with the Allies for the Balkan war. "Let's see, who had the armored personnel carriers? The Harriers were . . . yours, I believe. ."

May be hard keeping the Germans in one little sector now that they've gotten a taste for it.

In an ironic end to their mission, the 200 Russian troops in Kosovo are crushed by the falling MIR space station. You know, for 200 guys who haven't been paid in three years they moved in pretty fast. Must have told them their paychecks were waiting. Russians rush in where angels fear to tread.

And, the Symbionese Liberation Army is greatly reduced as a fighting force by the arrest of its only remaining member. Patty Hearst may have to suit up again. . . .

That's all the news that isn't.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman